Supporting Someone With Anxiety: Between Being There and Giving the Answer

What Can Help First?

The small, ordinary things the NHS suggests for supporting someone else’s mental health often make a big difference. Worrying that you will say the wrong thing or make it worse is very common; but even “telling them you see their struggle” can be important help.

• Tell them you are worried: this opens the conversation and shows they do not have to avoid you.
• Carry on as usual: behaving differently can make someone feel more isolated.
• Reassure them the first time: when someone first mentions their worries it is a big step; recognise it and say you are there.
• Offer time to listen: open questions that start with “how”, “what”, “where” or “when” help people open up.
• Do not force it: do not push someone to talk or get help, or go to the doctor on their behalf. Listen to their reasons without judgement.
• Offer practical help: little acts such as doing the shopping or going with them to appointments can make a difference.
• Look after yourself: it can be upsetting to hear someone you care about in distress; make time for yourself too.

When the Same Reassurance Question Comes Back

Someone who lives with anxiety may ask “nothing will happen, right?” or “are you sure?” many times. Family members often say they do not know what else to do; research has described this helplessness of caregivers in the face of reassurance-seeking. Answering every time relieves briefly but can make the question seem more necessary next time. It is possible to tell connection from reassurance-seeking: connection is closeness that needs no answer; reassurance-seeking is an attempt to close uncertainty with an answer. Reassuring the first time is appropriate; a balance is only sought when the same question comes again and again in the same form. For more, see the guide the reassurance-seeking loop.

Not answering is not withdrawing; it is responding to the feeling and the closeness behind the question rather than the question itself.

One Small Step You Can Try Once

This step may not suit everyone; you do not have to force it. Calm Anxiety: Blisswell is a psychoeducation programme for the person who lives with anxiety to use themselves (ages 18 and over); you cannot use it in their place, and no one should be pushed into using it. If they want, the module “Relationships, Support and Boundaries” works on telling connection from reassurance-seeking, mapping a support network and setting boundaries, and the module “Solving the Problem, or Circling in Worry?” covers where reassurance-seeking fits. This guide is for information only; it does not assess the person.

Looking After Yourself Too

The other person’s anxiety is not your responsibility. Setting a boundary, such as “let’s not talk about this after midnight, but let’s have breakfast together in the morning”, is clarity rather than rejection; feeling uneasy while you do it does not show the boundary is wrong. If you are worn out, draw on your own support network and, if needed, talk to a professional yourself.

When to Suggest Professional Help

If anxiety clearly affects daily functioning, sleep or relationships, has lasted for months or the person talks about thoughts of harming themselves, suggesting they see a mental health professional is appropriate. It is received better when said without forcing, with curiosity and without judgement. For details, see the guide when to seek professional help for anxiety.